loosing my mind

[howsmyenglish]

Day two of trying to outline chapter three (out of three main chapters, which is kind of great). I must say, dissertation writing is a torture. You spend a whole day trying to figure something out and find the right whatever-it-is, then, at the end of the day, when your brain goes blah, you sit and lick your wounds, trying to tell yourself that it is OK that nothing seems to work out, you're not a complete failure, give it time, you'll be fine, crying, whining, being lucky if there is someone near at hand, who can help and say that you really aren't an idiot, it's not just in your head. Going to bed and trying to think positive. Waking up and doing it all over again. Really. You know. I think, dissertation writing is a great thing just to... learn just how stupid you can feel, finish it (oh, yes, please, please) and never ever feel this way again.

Comments

[swordznsorcery]

What language are you writing it in?

I loved writing my diss, but then, that was just for an undergraduate degree! I imagine it's much, much harder for a PhD.

[howsmyenglish]

Oh, this is a good moment to quote the new sentence I added to my "about"-thingy just today!

I'm a strange animal with a couple of mother tongues, living in a country where neither is officially spoken (but actually both are to some extend) and writing a dissertation in a fourth language (which is English!:D) about a literature that's been written in a fifth.

Yeah... *feeling ashamed*

Was your diss about dinosaurs?

[swordznsorcery]

That is so cool! I am in awe of people who are clever with languages.

My degree was in human history, sadly! My diss was on the invention of the telescope. I love the history of science.

[howsmyenglish]

I'm glad we find each other cool :D
I am fascinated by your Dianosauria posts!

[corvidology]

And never ever feel this way again.

Erm... breathe through it and keep going because if you're never going to feel this way again then you're never going to take any risks intellectually and that's a shame.

[howsmyenglish]

Well... I know you're right, but I still need to hope that this is going to end with the end of the diss :) At least, maybe, I'll manage not to feel quite _this level_ of stupid. Maybe. I wish. :D

[grayswandir]

Yeaaah.

I read a book recently called How to Complete and Survive Writing a Doctoral Dissertation, and I found some of the author's comments kind of amusingly dramatic but also a bit... validating, shall we say. For instance:

“People do not understand how matters stand for the dissertation candidate: his family has trouble grasping the magnitude of the task; friends may be sympathetic, but in a general way which gets to none of the nuances of the loneliness and uncertainty involved. Most often, relatives and friends cannot understand why your high school and college classmates got their law, medical, and engineering or dentistry degrees right on schedule, and you seem to be floundering and having so much angst.”

“Not infrequently, dissertation writers exhibit symptomologies resembling or even duplicating clinical pictures of the neuroses—such as anxiety and hysteria—and even some of the psychoses—such as depression and paranoia. ABDs deep into a thesis will often report that they feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, or that they are ‘going crazy.’ [...] Most candidates experience one or more very painful classical symptoms of various clinical syndromes.”

“The truth of the matter is that, although the American education system is characterized at almost all levels by “support systems”—remedial programs, tutors, counselors, pass/fail options— [...] virtually the entire support structure vanishes for doctoral candidates undertaking a dissertation in education, social science, humanities or letters.”

“[When grad students are asked] to word-associate to their dissertations, some combination of the following responses is typical: fear, agony, torture, guilt, no end in sight, indefinitely postponed gratification, ‘ruining my life,’ ‘I’m drowning in it,’ anxiety, boredom, hate, despair, depression, humiliation, powerlessness.”

“American society is not aware, excepting personal acquaintiance of particular ABDs, of the almost larger-than-life trials, fortitude, despair, courage and even heroics experienced in writing a doctoral dissertation.”

[howsmyenglish]

Weeeell... are there also some tips about how to survive this or only descriptions of how I feel? Looks to me as if this book doesn't help surviving this, it only helps feeling that you're entitled to feel depressed and to take twenty years to get it done... Did it really help you?

[grayswandir]

Hah, that is a very fair question. XD I guess I don't know yet whether it's helped me or not. It did include a lot of tips, but many of them were directed toward people who haven't yet picked a topic or chosen their advisers, rather than people who are already writing chapters. I think the author's point in including all the stuff about depression was to say, Don't worry, you're not the only person who feels totally overwhelmed by this task, and it doesn't mean you're going to fail. This is literally what dissertation-writing is like for everyone.

But I guess the main piece of advice that I personally found helpful was to try to work on your dissertation every day (or at least five or six days a week), even if it's only for a couple of hours, rather than trying plow through eight hours of work for a day or two, getting burnt out, and then taking a few days off before doing the same thing again. The author basically says that if you're serious about academia, you need to integrate research and writing into your lifestyle as a permanent everyday fact, not something you're trying to "hurry up and finish" (and then never have to think about again). His view is that if you're not willing to make your research into a regular daily commitment, then you probably don't actually want to work in academia, in which case you probably won't get much benefit out of having a Ph.D. anyway, even if you get one.

[howsmyenglish]

Actually, many people write dissertations not in order to work in academia. I mean... well, yes, I want to work in academia, I do work in academia, and this is the reason I am writing a PhD. But I am not looking for a carrier, I don't want to become a professor, I just want to keep doing what I'm doing. Which is teaching a language. And I seriously don't want to do research ever again. This doesn't mean that I won't, of course. But this is what I live with for a serious number of years already. I know of many other people, who had similar reasons for writing their PhDs.
Anyhow, I think he's right about writing or working on a diss most of the days - if for other reasons. With me it's like this: there is no way I can work on the diss for more than 4-5 hours a day (depending on what exactly I do, it might be much less), so the only way to feel satisfied about actually doing it is doing it most days. But also - I keep forgetting what the whole thing was about if I have longer breaks, and if I work most days it's like there is a program running inside my head, it's working even when I'm not, and answers come to me even when I'm not looking for them. It's great, actually. The only problem is to remember that it works, when you're lost... As I very often am...

May I ask whether you're working on your diss right now? If you don't want to talk about this, don't answer! :D

[grayswandir]

I just want to keep doing what I'm doing.

Same here. I've been thinking lately that I'd probably like to teach English abroad, rather than trying to get a professorship or anything similar. I got into academia because I like teaching. (I was originally an Education major, actually.) It would still be good to have a Ph.D. as a language teacher, but I wouldn't be writing many more research papers.

also - I keep forgetting what the whole thing was about if I have longer breaks

Yes, the two reasons you've given are exactly the reasons that the book author gives, and I agree with both of them too. :) I feel like I have to start over every time I take a break for a few days, and then half of my "work time" is wasted on just remembering what I was doing when I left off.

May I ask whether you're working on your diss right now?

I'm... trying to get back to working on it. I was working on it every day for a while, but then some things happened and I stopped, which obviously was not a great idea. :/ I finally went back and read over a few note files yesterday, and some of my introduction today. Hoping to make better progress tomorrow...

[howsmyenglish]

That's great! Listen, should you want to talk about it - even just tell me what you're doing to bring your thoughts in order or whatever else - you're welcome. We are in two very similar boats :)

Teaching English abroad sounds nice! But it is true, a PhD is often required for a language teacher (in academia, at least).