about confrontations

[howsmyenglish]

I like understanding things about myself, so this is just another piece of the puzzle that is me that I've just discovered.
My God, am I afraid of confrontations! Why is that? It's pretty unbelievably intense.
Here's the story. My brother is a lawyer. Sometimes he asks me for help - proofreading things, translating. Two weeks ago he asked me to translate a letter for him, which I did. And then, because he is really busy and I feel like I need to help with anything I can, he asked whether I could also call the people the letter was to and push them into an answer, if they do not (as he expected) respond in time. Sure, said I, thinking it was only about the language. Because the main reason he asked me was because no one in his office felt comfortable enough with that particular language. When I called them the first time, I was fine. I found out who my contact should be, found that he's unavailable and agreed to call tomorrow. Next time I felt that I was intruding I spoke a bit meekly, I think. The next was even worse, I apologized for calling. And just now, when I had to call and ask someone I don't know to give someone else I don't know the message that it's either the meeting that I'm trying to arrange or court... well, I tell you, not only my voice trembled. And when I hung up I had to wait for my heart to calm itself again. What the heck was that? I did not try to fight (I started my speech with "we do not want to quarrel"), I did not accuse anyone of anything and no one accused me or tried to fight with me. So, why the sea of emotions? I'll have to call them again tomorrow. I'm already suffering just thinking about it. Why is that??

Comments

[moth2fic]

Not sure that it applies to your particular case but for me it would be telephone phobia. I really hate talking to people when I can't see them. I panic, I get angry, I get upset. And that's just making appointments for e.g. a haircut. Text chat isn't so bad because you can correct yourself and you can add emojis. If it all really stresses you, tell your brother you've tried... I'm sure he isn't imagining causing you this amount of anxiety.

[howsmyenglish]

You're absolutely right, I completely forgot that I really really dislike talking on the phone. And then, of, course, the fact that I don't like confrontations added some. But the good news is: I won! I did get them to reply with my yesterday's call. I do hope that's it now!

[glassfinger]

I would say do not call them. Not even for your brother. It's not your job! It's up to his staff to do it. Especially as you're not a lawyer and don't speak the necessary legalese.

[howsmyenglish]

I don't agree, helping my brother is my job. We grew up like this: our mother, grandma, my brother and I always were there for each other. And I really enjoy knowing that I managed to develop this kind of relationship with my chosen family, too. But, of course, it always goes together with knowing when to ask for help and when to pull yourself together and do it yourself.

[halfshellvenus]

SO many of us hate confrontation-- it's not just you!

I think your brother put you in a bad situation, though. It sounds as if it was always likely to be contentious, and that's not something you should just pass along to someone else.

There's a reason that most people who are conflict-avoiders don't become lawyers. My husband did, but it also caused him unending stress. So, perhaps not his best choice overall. :O

I'm so sorry you went through this!

[howsmyenglish]

I'm so sorry you went through this!
Oh, don't be! My yoga teacher used to say... well, I'm sure she still says it, I just haven't seen her for a while... so, she used to say that when you decide on what to do in your yoga practice, you should always pick asanas you love as well as asanas you hate. The ones you hate are about hidden (or not) problems, and problems should be addressed. She also used to say that one should try and apply "yoga rules" to life :) I do think it's healthy to do things you dislike once in a while, it makes you stronger.

But you made me think about my brother... does he like confrontation? I really don't believe so. But I also don't think he likes his choice of occupation much... I wonder if the two things are connected. Well, anyhow, being a lawyer certainly has tought him to be good at confrontations, that's a fact.