just sharing sad thoughts

[howsmyenglish]

I've realized today that for some months already I've been alternating between the conviction that either I or my husband are going to die soon. I can jump from one to the other in just a few minutes. And then I keep fantasizing either about how he will change his life or how I will change mine. Of course, the two very close deaths among friends-we-called-family do not help. My thoughts keep circling around death. It's been 5 years since my mama died less than a month ago, it was her birthday last week. It's going to be our friend's birthday in two days - the one's, who died in October. So, yes, of course I think about death a lot. But I'm thinking now that, maybe, this alternating between the fantasy of a new life for me or a new life for my husband is an attempt on my part to get some sensory hunger out of the way. We've been living a very dull life this last year. No travel, no commute even, not many gatherings with friends, and mostly, on sad occasions. Almost no input from outside. We're boiling in our own juices. And, maybe, these fantasies of mine are just a way to... get some fresh air? I don't know. Just wanted to share this here, because I really can not share it with him. I hope it goes away, though. The feeling that death is around the corner. I hope it doesn't stay with me forever. Nothing is forever, right?

Comments

[thanatos_kalos]

<3 It's normal to think more about death than usual near dates of important deaths. You can think of your fantasies as a way of helping you prepare for something in case it were to happen. Plus, remember that we're all going through a collective global trauma with this pandemic. Death is everywhere so of course we're more aware of it. Your responses are the same as many other people's. :)

[howsmyenglish]

You're right <3

[thewayne]

I am very eager to get to Phoenix, I'm planning on going next month. Both my parents should be fully vaccinated by then, and I am now. My mom turned 90 a month ago, my dad is 86. There's just no telling how much more time they're going to have.

[howsmyenglish]

What gets me is that there is no telling how much time anyone is going to have, regardless their age and even how healthy they seem at the moment.

[thewayne]

Yep, and that's just the way it is. Five years ago a friend of mine work up to his wife dead in bed next to him: her brain shut off during the night. toxic drug interaction that her doctors wouldn't address. Over a decade ago a friend of mine died from a stroke, he was in his early 50s. Shortly after our high school 10th anniversary, my best friend in said school died in a motorcycle accident on-duty: he was a policeman. Friend of mine recovering from plastic surgery following a gangrenous infection: bloodclot to the brain. I had a friend murdered by his brother over an argument about the brother's girlfriend. The guy who was staying with us lost his wife to breast cancer. Co-worker who took her life because of unendurable migraines: her husband would take her to the emergency room and they'd just shoot her up with something and knock her out immediately, no questions asked. Then it got to the point she couldn't take it anymore and she stopped it.

Sometimes we have the 'warning' of old age or disease, sometimes it's just random events. But it is inevitable, it's just a question of when. "I am a part of mankind, thus every man's death diminishes me. Send not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

This is why I advocate treating everyone well, and trying not to leave things hanging when it comes to relationships with other people. You literally don't know if you're going to see them again. And that's just the way it is. Sad, but that's life.

[howsmyenglish]

yes.

[heartonsnow]

Death is spoken about on a daily basis worldwide and it is not surprising that we all have morbid thoughts, I do too xx

[howsmyenglish]

Oh, you know what, I'll read some Pratchett book from the Death series, after I'm done with the one I'm reading now. That kind of death always cheers me up. I wasn't even really sad, when Pratchett died, because his assistant wrote that Death was waiting for him and they walked together. Yes. That's what I will do.

[heartonsnow]

Pratchett books are so joyful! What his assistant wrote was sweet too. I was sad cos it was quite near to when my father also died .

I tried to think of Pratchett's daughter's grief instread of my own.

[flikkeren]

I know you posted this a while ago, but just curious if you're still feeling this way, and I would love to know if anything has ended up helping. I feel this way too--although we both work, so often my worries about death focus on traffic collisions, falls from ladders, workplace shootings, etc.--it definitely doesn't come from undersensory stuff in my case, but maybe sensory overload (I'm not designed to work a 40 hour week, it's way too stressful). Probably a couple times a week I feel sure one of us is going to die soon and I start tearing up or crying.

[howsmyenglish]

Thanks for sharing this. It does help to feel you're not alone... Actually, in my case, I think it's trying to brace myself for what might come. Ever since my mother died five years ago - it was very sudden and the biggest shock of my life - I have been bracing myself for people's deaths, because I cannot stand being unprepared for things. And now, because of the deaths of two close friends, because of how we feel without them, and because of how their families feel and live now, I cannot help thinking that something similar is awaiting us. It hasn't gone away. But I think it did help that I wrote about it - and that I write about it now - because the most terrible things are those we are afraid to talk about. I still cannot imagine talking about it to my husband. But at least here. At least I'm letting some of it out of myself. Feel free to do the same with me, I'm a good listener.

[symmetricalpiss]

This past year has been difficult for all of us with they way the world has been. I've made a few woukd have been life changing plans that have had to be cancelled. I know that it can feel stagnating to be stuck unable to make the changes you want in your life due to the pandemic.

But, there are things that can help.
#1 exercise. Outside. In the past 8 months I've taken up running and I went from barely being able to run 1km to being able to run 5km nonstop and up to 12km (with some walking breaks).I've discovered interesting spots in my town that I never new existed.

#2 at home Date nights. Start with appetizers and cocktails. Make a nice dinner and share a bottle of wine. Have dessert. Put on a movie (no phones!) and pop some popcorn

#3 cleaning/organising/decluttering/redecorating. Get rid of all your old junk! I made 800 dollars selling random shit on ebay. It's easier to relax and feel at ease at home when everything is clean and tidy. Often when everything is a mess or disorganised it makes me feel overwhelmed. Even something as simple as rearranging the furniture in your home can make it feel nice and new

[howsmyenglish]

Thank you for this comment! Sorry I didn't answer right away: I quite often read a comment of the run, reply in my head and forget about it forever. But now I've come here, let me see if I can remember the gist of that inner reply I gave... :D
I think, it was mostly that now, since many restrictions have been lifted and I partly started to actually go to work again, I feel much better. And I didn't even realize it until I read this comment of yours - it being a comment to a post I wrote some time ago. So, I'm glad that you drew my attention to it.