![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howsmyenglishThe second half of the title is in German and I just don't feel like googling for an English equivalent...
Somehow, in the middle of the night, I found that I need to write and post an entry. Interesting. I might think later about why this had to happen now. But let me just write drauflos... I don't know what's happening, German words just keep falling out of my mind...
Remember the abusive asshole of an ex I wrote about in the summer? Well, he's been haunting my dreams ever since. Cleansing ritual be damned, instead of freeing me from him it brought him closer than he was for over ten years. It's not that bad, really, I suppose. After all, it looks like I have tons of unprocessed feelings/emotions/memories that need to go somewhere instead of rotting at the bottom of my consciousness. But I must admit, I do not enjoy the feeling that I have him now for a constant companion. I've no idea whether this will stop at some point. I hope it will.
In the meantime, remember how I wanted to have autumn all around me? Well, that worked out wonderfully! I drew scary faces, cats, bats, spiderwebs, etc. on several pumpkins and that must have made the trick. We actually had weather seriously reminding me of real autumn for about a month. That's more than we've had in the thirteen years I lived here. I will kill and eat the last of my family of scary pumpkins tomorrow - just in time, considering that I put up the Christmas tree today! I am probably trying to follow the same logic here: wintery decorations and atmosphere in order to bring about some winter. But in fact, I'm not hoping for any sort of winter here (the country would not be able to handle it, and neither would our heating), what I'm hoping for is the possibility to fly to Germany for Christmas and Grandma's birthday (Dec. 25th!) and to be able to come back before New Year's. I actually bought my tickets about two weeks ago - only to return them 23 hours later (I had a 24 hour return policy) when Omicron made countries panic and close borders. The situation looks a bit calmer now, so I continue monitoring ticket prices to grab one last minute, if all will still be well then. It will very likely be the last birthday for my Grandma. She's going to be 96. And I know that she would like to go, for years now she's wanted to, but she's had such a terribly hard life, it's made her too strong and nearly unbreakable. I really need to be with her for this birthday of hers.
But before I fly anywhere, I'll have to write the three-good-things post about places we've visited in Chechia back in - oh no, October, was it? But not today, fear not! Another day will have to do.
Let me return to the "remembering" pattern. Remember how I was writing a dissertation? Well, I'm still writing it, but I'm so nearly finished, it makes my head spin. Just wanted to mention it here. Let the world hear. Even if my supervisor hasn't heard it yet, let the world hear. I'm nearly done! This is actually going to end! I will have a life after the diss! WHAT will I do with all the time?! (I've got a thousand plans, let me assure you!)
So... is this it? Can I go to sleep now? My strange head is aching, but it's not pulsating with the need to write an entry anymore. I hope it will let me sleep now. But I'm glad it made me write this. I was quite uncomfortable with the way this journal was turning into a ghost town.
Oh, but one last thing: remember how I nearly chocked, twice? Well, I nearly did it again, yesterday. And now it's for sure: it's honey and honey-products. To be exact, yesterday it was propolis. And I realized I felt really bad after using propolis for quite some time. I'm still not sure it's an allergy though. Or can one have an allergy, to which one reacts with a swollen throat only once in a blue moon?? I didn't go to the doctor... It's silly: when I'm not chocking, I think it's idiotic to spend time to go to a doctor. When I am chocking though, I promise myself I will. Well. I probably will. I really like tea with honey. Sigh.
Goodnight then.
Somehow, in the middle of the night, I found that I need to write and post an entry. Interesting. I might think later about why this had to happen now. But let me just write drauflos... I don't know what's happening, German words just keep falling out of my mind...
Remember the abusive asshole of an ex I wrote about in the summer? Well, he's been haunting my dreams ever since. Cleansing ritual be damned, instead of freeing me from him it brought him closer than he was for over ten years. It's not that bad, really, I suppose. After all, it looks like I have tons of unprocessed feelings/emotions/memories that need to go somewhere instead of rotting at the bottom of my consciousness. But I must admit, I do not enjoy the feeling that I have him now for a constant companion. I've no idea whether this will stop at some point. I hope it will.
In the meantime, remember how I wanted to have autumn all around me? Well, that worked out wonderfully! I drew scary faces, cats, bats, spiderwebs, etc. on several pumpkins and that must have made the trick. We actually had weather seriously reminding me of real autumn for about a month. That's more than we've had in the thirteen years I lived here. I will kill and eat the last of my family of scary pumpkins tomorrow - just in time, considering that I put up the Christmas tree today! I am probably trying to follow the same logic here: wintery decorations and atmosphere in order to bring about some winter. But in fact, I'm not hoping for any sort of winter here (the country would not be able to handle it, and neither would our heating), what I'm hoping for is the possibility to fly to Germany for Christmas and Grandma's birthday (Dec. 25th!) and to be able to come back before New Year's. I actually bought my tickets about two weeks ago - only to return them 23 hours later (I had a 24 hour return policy) when Omicron made countries panic and close borders. The situation looks a bit calmer now, so I continue monitoring ticket prices to grab one last minute, if all will still be well then. It will very likely be the last birthday for my Grandma. She's going to be 96. And I know that she would like to go, for years now she's wanted to, but she's had such a terribly hard life, it's made her too strong and nearly unbreakable. I really need to be with her for this birthday of hers.
But before I fly anywhere, I'll have to write the three-good-things post about places we've visited in Chechia back in - oh no, October, was it? But not today, fear not! Another day will have to do.
Let me return to the "remembering" pattern. Remember how I was writing a dissertation? Well, I'm still writing it, but I'm so nearly finished, it makes my head spin. Just wanted to mention it here. Let the world hear. Even if my supervisor hasn't heard it yet, let the world hear. I'm nearly done! This is actually going to end! I will have a life after the diss! WHAT will I do with all the time?! (I've got a thousand plans, let me assure you!)
So... is this it? Can I go to sleep now? My strange head is aching, but it's not pulsating with the need to write an entry anymore. I hope it will let me sleep now. But I'm glad it made me write this. I was quite uncomfortable with the way this journal was turning into a ghost town.
Oh, but one last thing: remember how I nearly chocked, twice? Well, I nearly did it again, yesterday. And now it's for sure: it's honey and honey-products. To be exact, yesterday it was propolis. And I realized I felt really bad after using propolis for quite some time. I'm still not sure it's an allergy though. Or can one have an allergy, to which one reacts with a swollen throat only once in a blue moon?? I didn't go to the doctor... It's silly: when I'm not chocking, I think it's idiotic to spend time to go to a doctor. When I am chocking though, I promise myself I will. Well. I probably will. I really like tea with honey. Sigh.
Goodnight then.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-10 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 06:04 am (UTC)The stress of your dissertation being nearly finished can cause some very strange anxiety dreams, which might explain some of what you're going through. :( And yes, if it's an additive or contaminant in the honey or something then it can cause an intermittent allergic reaction. My guess would be that you're allergic to whatever kind of flower or pollen the bees used to produce the honey, but you'd need to see an allergist to be sure.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 11:19 am (UTC)Do they have a long winter break in Armenia - like in Russia?
no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 11:32 am (UTC)I can imagine! :)
Do they have a long winter break in Armenia - like in Russia?
Not at my uni; we're done teaching on Monday, exams run through 17 December and then faculty are back 12 January. Teaching restarts 19 Jan. A friend at another uni doesn't have to go back until February, though!
no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 12:18 pm (UTC)I hope you will enjoy this time, even if you're not going anywhere!
no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 12:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-11 09:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-12 09:23 pm (UTC)It's lovely that you've had the spirit of Autumn as a comfort. It's such a beautiful, heartwarming season, that I love dearly. My fingers are crossed for your being able to snag a good deal on a ticket to be with your grandmother on her special day ♥
no subject
Date: 2021-12-18 11:50 am (UTC)Thank you! No, it doesn't leave me. But even though I do not enjoy those dreams, I think they are probably good for me. They mean that my mind is at least trying to deal with the problem now, instead of bottling up all the hurt and keeping it inside. I wish it would leave me. And I hope it will now that I allow his presence in my thoughts.