nothing goes as planned
Dec. 18th, 2021 01:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howsmyenglishSo I didn't go to Germany. Thanks to Omicron, the country I live in has banned travel to many European countries, and even though Germany still isn't one of them, on the news they keep saying that it's the next one on the list. The guessing whether or not I will be able to go, as well as the checking of news in three languages several times a day AND the continuous checking of ticket prices - all of this has made me feel on edge. Plus, I think it made me neglect other things - such as work and diss writing, all of which I suddenly felt very deeply in the last few days.
I went to a massage therapist the other day and suddenly had a break-down right there on the table. The reason I went was an extremely tight lower back/ass, so I thought, I might need some help. So, I went to this guy - I've only gone to him once before, several months ago. I don't know him really, and he doesn't know me. And so there I am lying on the massage table face down and as soon as his hands come near the problem zone on one of my legs I just start crying. I was amazed at how I could just suddenly break down like that. I don't think he noticed anything at first, but when I had to turn over, I had to ask for a tissue, so... Idk, he either realized I was crying or thought I had a lot of snot XD Anyhow... I had to cry again, when I was face up, so he must have seen that...
The two things that worry me about this are: 1) I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the guy and it must have been weird for him and 2) wow, I had no idea I was so stressed and full of tears inside. I really don't like this last point, I do try to be aware of myself and how I feel. It is a big deal for me to suddenly find out that I'm pretty depressed and had no idea about it.
So, I'm trying to deal with all of this by writing this entry. About the massage therapist - I'm thinking, I'll go to him again soon (it was obviously good for me: both the massage itself and the fact that it freed up all those emotions) and I'll talk to him before the massage. I hope some sort of an explanation might help me not to feel so weird around him. At least, it will help me to feel that "he knows me a little" and "I know him a little" and that way I won't be crying on the table of some unknown therapist, but someone who at least knows idk... that it's actually good for me to let stuff out and if he can bring it out it me, it means he suits me as a therapist..?
And about the other stuff. Well, I'm glad I could finally say that I'm not going to Germany and stop the continuous uncertainty. Grandma was sad. But I promised, I wouldn't wait for another special occasion next time. I'll just go there as soon as it will be possible. Work be damned, work can see me via Zoom, Grandma can't.
I'm going to improve my grasp on teaching so that I can feel I'm doing a good job. I did force myself to stop revising and sent the latest chapter to my PhD advisor yesterday. It's a 60 pages chapter and I'm very pleased with it. I hope she won't want me to change too much in it.
Christmas. Christmas won't happen the way I planned - not only in Germany, but at home, too. Neither the friends we wanted to invite, nor our daughter and her partner can join us. But another couple of very good friends, whom we don't see enough, invited us to come over and spend the day first creating an atmosphere of Christmas and then having a feast and, maybe, even staying over. I'll do my best to make that the comforting event that it usually is for me. We are not religious, none of us, but Christmas is a family tradition that I cherish and - well, family changes, tradition stays. I'll make mulled wine and something sweet that will make the whole place smell like Christmas. Music is important, but it doesn't have to be Christmas music. My brother and I would listen to old vinyl records, when we decorated the tree at our mother's when she was alive. And we just listened to anything - Simon and Garfunkel, for instance, or Steve Wonder. So, any old music will do. And we'll decorate everything! We ordered tons of sticky snowflakes for windows! I've already decorated our windows at home, and there still is more than a half left. So, we'll take them with us, as well as some Wunderkerzen (sparklers?) I found in an old box (I hope they still work).
...and my brother's partner just wrote to say that the present I had ordered arrived yesterday, and he (brother) saw it and all he wanted was a surprise... Oh well, this Christmas nothing goes as planned. Sigh.
My yoga teacher used to ask us "do you tend to make plans?" - this is how I learned that I completely depend on stuff going the way I planned it, and that I have the hardest time dealing with stuff not going as planned. Well, I guess it's time for me to learn to deal with it. It doesn't really look like there will be much time for planned events in the near future. Did I tell you that my husband might or might not go to China for half a year in February? Fun times...
I went to a massage therapist the other day and suddenly had a break-down right there on the table. The reason I went was an extremely tight lower back/ass, so I thought, I might need some help. So, I went to this guy - I've only gone to him once before, several months ago. I don't know him really, and he doesn't know me. And so there I am lying on the massage table face down and as soon as his hands come near the problem zone on one of my legs I just start crying. I was amazed at how I could just suddenly break down like that. I don't think he noticed anything at first, but when I had to turn over, I had to ask for a tissue, so... Idk, he either realized I was crying or thought I had a lot of snot XD Anyhow... I had to cry again, when I was face up, so he must have seen that...
The two things that worry me about this are: 1) I feel uncomfortable because I don't know the guy and it must have been weird for him and 2) wow, I had no idea I was so stressed and full of tears inside. I really don't like this last point, I do try to be aware of myself and how I feel. It is a big deal for me to suddenly find out that I'm pretty depressed and had no idea about it.
So, I'm trying to deal with all of this by writing this entry. About the massage therapist - I'm thinking, I'll go to him again soon (it was obviously good for me: both the massage itself and the fact that it freed up all those emotions) and I'll talk to him before the massage. I hope some sort of an explanation might help me not to feel so weird around him. At least, it will help me to feel that "he knows me a little" and "I know him a little" and that way I won't be crying on the table of some unknown therapist, but someone who at least knows idk... that it's actually good for me to let stuff out and if he can bring it out it me, it means he suits me as a therapist..?
And about the other stuff. Well, I'm glad I could finally say that I'm not going to Germany and stop the continuous uncertainty. Grandma was sad. But I promised, I wouldn't wait for another special occasion next time. I'll just go there as soon as it will be possible. Work be damned, work can see me via Zoom, Grandma can't.
I'm going to improve my grasp on teaching so that I can feel I'm doing a good job. I did force myself to stop revising and sent the latest chapter to my PhD advisor yesterday. It's a 60 pages chapter and I'm very pleased with it. I hope she won't want me to change too much in it.
Christmas. Christmas won't happen the way I planned - not only in Germany, but at home, too. Neither the friends we wanted to invite, nor our daughter and her partner can join us. But another couple of very good friends, whom we don't see enough, invited us to come over and spend the day first creating an atmosphere of Christmas and then having a feast and, maybe, even staying over. I'll do my best to make that the comforting event that it usually is for me. We are not religious, none of us, but Christmas is a family tradition that I cherish and - well, family changes, tradition stays. I'll make mulled wine and something sweet that will make the whole place smell like Christmas. Music is important, but it doesn't have to be Christmas music. My brother and I would listen to old vinyl records, when we decorated the tree at our mother's when she was alive. And we just listened to anything - Simon and Garfunkel, for instance, or Steve Wonder. So, any old music will do. And we'll decorate everything! We ordered tons of sticky snowflakes for windows! I've already decorated our windows at home, and there still is more than a half left. So, we'll take them with us, as well as some Wunderkerzen (sparklers?) I found in an old box (I hope they still work).
...and my brother's partner just wrote to say that the present I had ordered arrived yesterday, and he (brother) saw it and all he wanted was a surprise... Oh well, this Christmas nothing goes as planned. Sigh.
My yoga teacher used to ask us "do you tend to make plans?" - this is how I learned that I completely depend on stuff going the way I planned it, and that I have the hardest time dealing with stuff not going as planned. Well, I guess it's time for me to learn to deal with it. It doesn't really look like there will be much time for planned events in the near future. Did I tell you that my husband might or might not go to China for half a year in February? Fun times...
no subject
Date: 2021-12-18 05:54 pm (UTC)I learned a long time ago the truth of the phrase 'The surest way to make the gods laugh is to tell them of your plans'.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-18 07:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-18 07:29 pm (UTC)Yeah, acceptance is not an easy thing. And even when you can usually accept things, sometimes a disruption comes along and it's hard to accept. I'm experiencing that right now on a couple of different things.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-18 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-19 08:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-20 10:27 pm (UTC)Massage really can bring up emotions that we bury in various places throughout our bodies, without knowing it. I've had a similar experience with getting emotional, and not being able to hold it in, while getting a massage after a Physical therapy session, and the woman doing it explained that we hold past traumas and other emotional weight in the oddest of places within. She was used to it happening in clients at times. I can understand how that made you feel uncomfortable, since I, too, don't like to cry or show my pain in public, or around strangers, but not even those I love either really.
I hope writing it out in this entry helped alleviate some of that emotional stress for you. Sounds like you have a lovely, sweet Christmas day planned. Wishing you a Happy one, filled with warmth and love. : )
Forgot to say, that my heart goes out to you on having to possibly be without your husband for so long next year :/
no subject
Date: 2021-12-21 05:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-25 06:49 am (UTC)Breaking down on the massage table is not actually that unexpected. We hold stress in our bodies and when there's suddenly an official permission to let go and, when someone is taking care of you physically, it can absolutely come out like that. I bet your massage therapist has seen it before.
Hope you manage to have a lovely Christmassy feel for your day with your friends <3