relax! NOTHING is under control*
Feb. 16th, 2022 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howsmyenglishSomehow I feel that these... weeks? months? - who knows, how long this will go on? - constitute an important period in my life. The thing is not that so much is happening (oh, but it is), but that these days I keep being triggered in so many ways and so many of my issues keep being addressed as... I don't want to say never... hardly ever before. Which is why I feel the need to chronicle most of it. It always was very important for me to... let me be vague... address stuff... So. The chronicling is also a sort of addressing, right? Plus, I feel it might help me in future. Re-reading and re-living key-moments of my life is, well, an important part of my life. So here we go again.
Remember how husband left and I... all of that? Fear, driving at night, zombying alone, climbing on a positive wave? On that positive wave, music came back into my life. I didn't listen to anything but soothing classical/jazz for years, because anything I did listen to ended up haunting me at night and making me crazy. But two days into that positive wave I found myself wanting... no, needing music again, and that was such fun! I created an account on Spotify! I listened and listened to all sorts of music, loud, fun, I moved my Bluetooth speaker around the house with me, and I danced and sang! That was great!
There was a moment I'm not sure I'm prepared to write about, so I'll just call it "the step" for now, and leave it here like this, for my own future reference. The step happened and made me all excited for some time. But I already was over-excited, remember? The driving, the waking up before I actually felt rested? That lack of sleep stayed with me pretty much for a week and a half. And after the step I also lost the ability to eat for several days. That's me all over: whenever I'm excited, for which ever reason, good or bad, I stop eating and start sleeping badly.
So, that happened. And then husband came back, which was good. But weird, kind of: we both behaved like we were kind of unsure about how to behave... I think this is exactly the suggestibility I was talking about in previous entries. Once I get out of his zone of influence I turn into a slightly different person, and it always takes a bit of time until we even everything out again. Interestingly, I have the feeling we get along better when I'm "myself" and not "under his influence". This whole way of thinking is kind of new to me, so forgive me if my expressions are weird, I am just exploring the idea.
So. Husband came back and only two days later he got a phone call and was told that he might have to fly away again - in only five days! - and for nearly half a year. I mean, we knew about the half-a-year thing. It was our decision. But he wasn't supposed to be flying away until about the middle of March! He had only just come back from abroad, he had two extremely important things to do before he could leave the country again, and both of them were scheduled for _after_ the supposed flight, and he didn't even have a visa for the country he was going to.
Obviously, this made me excited much more than before. A few days were crazy busy, and we (he, mostly, but I helped a bit and worried for five) managed to do everything in time. He could actually have made that flight. If it would have happened. But it hasn't! Oh, Covid, how much uncertainty you brought into our lives! There was no flight, husband did not fly away, but now he has a visa, has finished all the urgent things in one go, and could, if need be, just get up and fly tonight. Which is a good thing. But in the end, I got so extremely excited and worried and all that that I got sick. We thought it was Covid, finally. But four tests, one of them PCR, say I'm negative. And I think I am. It's just the worry and the cold. And the lack of sleep and nourishment. The illness helped me to start eating and sleeping again, that was something. But now I also have cystitis. Which is something I had nearly on a regular basis as a 20+ girl, but completely forgot that this problem is at all possible by now.
Now, what did I mean by all that "triggering"? Well, so much of it are things I didn't think of/experience/do for many years. And they all used to be a big part of my life. And also, I find it interesting that through all of this I managed to remain productive, both, in terms of dissertation and knitting, extremely positive and full of love for everyone and everything.
We'll see where we get from here. Right now, I'm sitting in a hot foot bath, because I'm hoping this will help kill the cystitis (no antibiotics as long as I can help it) and thinking that I forgot to write the most important thing, which is therefore going to be the title of this very interesting and deep entry XD
* it's a sticker I got after a yoga and meditation weekend, about ten years ago, and only now did I realize how much I need it, and put it on the window frame right in front of my eyes when I'm sitting at the desk. it's helping! a lot!
Remember how husband left and I... all of that? Fear, driving at night, zombying alone, climbing on a positive wave? On that positive wave, music came back into my life. I didn't listen to anything but soothing classical/jazz for years, because anything I did listen to ended up haunting me at night and making me crazy. But two days into that positive wave I found myself wanting... no, needing music again, and that was such fun! I created an account on Spotify! I listened and listened to all sorts of music, loud, fun, I moved my Bluetooth speaker around the house with me, and I danced and sang! That was great!
There was a moment I'm not sure I'm prepared to write about, so I'll just call it "the step" for now, and leave it here like this, for my own future reference. The step happened and made me all excited for some time. But I already was over-excited, remember? The driving, the waking up before I actually felt rested? That lack of sleep stayed with me pretty much for a week and a half. And after the step I also lost the ability to eat for several days. That's me all over: whenever I'm excited, for which ever reason, good or bad, I stop eating and start sleeping badly.
So, that happened. And then husband came back, which was good. But weird, kind of: we both behaved like we were kind of unsure about how to behave... I think this is exactly the suggestibility I was talking about in previous entries. Once I get out of his zone of influence I turn into a slightly different person, and it always takes a bit of time until we even everything out again. Interestingly, I have the feeling we get along better when I'm "myself" and not "under his influence". This whole way of thinking is kind of new to me, so forgive me if my expressions are weird, I am just exploring the idea.
So. Husband came back and only two days later he got a phone call and was told that he might have to fly away again - in only five days! - and for nearly half a year. I mean, we knew about the half-a-year thing. It was our decision. But he wasn't supposed to be flying away until about the middle of March! He had only just come back from abroad, he had two extremely important things to do before he could leave the country again, and both of them were scheduled for _after_ the supposed flight, and he didn't even have a visa for the country he was going to.
Obviously, this made me excited much more than before. A few days were crazy busy, and we (he, mostly, but I helped a bit and worried for five) managed to do everything in time. He could actually have made that flight. If it would have happened. But it hasn't! Oh, Covid, how much uncertainty you brought into our lives! There was no flight, husband did not fly away, but now he has a visa, has finished all the urgent things in one go, and could, if need be, just get up and fly tonight. Which is a good thing. But in the end, I got so extremely excited and worried and all that that I got sick. We thought it was Covid, finally. But four tests, one of them PCR, say I'm negative. And I think I am. It's just the worry and the cold. And the lack of sleep and nourishment. The illness helped me to start eating and sleeping again, that was something. But now I also have cystitis. Which is something I had nearly on a regular basis as a 20+ girl, but completely forgot that this problem is at all possible by now.
Now, what did I mean by all that "triggering"? Well, so much of it are things I didn't think of/experience/do for many years. And they all used to be a big part of my life. And also, I find it interesting that through all of this I managed to remain productive, both, in terms of dissertation and knitting, extremely positive and full of love for everyone and everything.
We'll see where we get from here. Right now, I'm sitting in a hot foot bath, because I'm hoping this will help kill the cystitis (no antibiotics as long as I can help it) and thinking that I forgot to write the most important thing, which is therefore going to be the title of this very interesting and deep entry XD
* it's a sticker I got after a yoga and meditation weekend, about ten years ago, and only now did I realize how much I need it, and put it on the window frame right in front of my eyes when I'm sitting at the desk. it's helping! a lot!
no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 02:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 03:09 pm (UTC)I've talked about Morning Pages a few entries before, right here. This chronicling I do on here is what really does help, actually. And comments. It all helps me to process. Thank you for being part of it! :)
no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 03:16 pm (UTC)It's good to hear you already have found some tools that worked for you, and of course, I'm very happy if I can be of any help. 💛
no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 03:19 pm (UTC)No, no, I'm pretty easy going with this sort of thing! :)
no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 04:07 pm (UTC)That's awfully short notice for him to leave again! I expect his employer is the one paying for an expedited visa.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-16 04:17 pm (UTC)Oh yes, absolutely!
Not really where he is going to, but there might be a possibility of meeting somewhere in the middle for the summer...
no subject
Date: 2022-02-19 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-02-20 05:33 pm (UTC)It's not the first time I "hear" this from you, and I must say, it was thanks to you, also, that I realized that purpose thing I wrote about in the next entry. I'm very glad I made you acquaintance!
Still sick, though. Looks like it _was_ cystitis from the very beginning, so it got pretty heavy until I realized I did need antibiotics... Well, I'll be better! Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2022-02-22 04:34 am (UTC)Okay, I'm glad you have the antibiotics now to help move the healing/recovery along better!