hello world
Mar. 16th, 2022 12:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howsmyenglishI've added a bunch of new people, so I feel some sort of an introduction might be in order, and also - IDK - you people, who have been reading my journal for some time, might not know these things about me either, so here I go.
I'm a 40+ woman who has lived for(?) three nearly equally long parts of her life in three different countries. At first, it was the Soviet Union, then Germany (part of my family was Mennonite, they moved to Russia at the end of the eighteenth century), and now it's another country, the name of which I kind of keep secret, because I'd be too easily googleable if I weren't. I have a 25 year-old step daughter, whom I consider my own. She was 10, when we started living together. All of us, myself, my husband, our daughter - are in one way or another connected to academic life, and all of us have family and friends in countries all over the world. Together, we speak six languages, five of them are mine, and we share three of these five. I also studied and am able to understand to some degree at least five more. So, languages are my thing. Also, the written word. Books. Articles. Street signs. I don't write about books often, but I am trying to change it this year. Recently, I... started changing. It's a fascinating process, which I am documenting here in my journal. Should you be curious, you can read my entries from the last month or so. Should you not be curious, just relax. When I read a book with a lot of characters in it, I never remember their names, but I just let them sweep over me, I know that at some point they will start making sense. Just think about my entries like that.
Oh yeah, and also - my username is not a joke, it's an honest enquiry. Feel free to be of help.
I feel so weird. I've been socializing with people nearly every day/evening in the last three weeks. I've been an introvert who dreamed about being alone since I remember myself. In the last seven days, there were two evenings I spent alone, and on both I would have preferred company. It's like I'm terrified of being alone. But at the same time, I feel happy most of the time, I enjoy music enormously, I laugh, I sing and dance, I feel great physically (apart from the kidney scare that will hopefully be cleared up in a week at the latest), I sleep really good... but not long enough - this strange thing where I wake up too early and cannot go back to sleep is still with me, I've no idea what it is. I've also quite a lot of stuff to share sex-wise, but I've never done this before in this journal, so I'm kind of weirded out by the thought alone XD Still, be warned, this might be coming.
And then there is the war. And so many so very personal stories. And parents of friends. And friends of friends. And just fuckingshitthiswholethingiskillingme.
And then there is Grandma. She's 96. She's rapidly deteriorating. It's been barely possible to talk to her in the last weeks... but it's kind of... worse every day... And I just sit here and wait for my brother to call and tell me that I need to come now. I'm only waiting for the kidney scare to be cleared up before I buy a ticket and go to Germany. Because. You know. I want to hug her before she's gone.
So, I guess, it's no wonder that along with feeling great I feel terrible, and also, being more alive probably should mean that one feels everything stronger - joy as well as sadness. But wow, is this a rollercoaster. My head is spinning. And I'm losing weight. I'm very thin, and losing weight usually means that I'm not well. Yeah... Let's see how it continues, right? I've plans for every night until Monday next week. Well, no, I'm free on Friday. Any takers?
I'm a 40+ woman who has lived for(?) three nearly equally long parts of her life in three different countries. At first, it was the Soviet Union, then Germany (part of my family was Mennonite, they moved to Russia at the end of the eighteenth century), and now it's another country, the name of which I kind of keep secret, because I'd be too easily googleable if I weren't. I have a 25 year-old step daughter, whom I consider my own. She was 10, when we started living together. All of us, myself, my husband, our daughter - are in one way or another connected to academic life, and all of us have family and friends in countries all over the world. Together, we speak six languages, five of them are mine, and we share three of these five. I also studied and am able to understand to some degree at least five more. So, languages are my thing. Also, the written word. Books. Articles. Street signs. I don't write about books often, but I am trying to change it this year. Recently, I... started changing. It's a fascinating process, which I am documenting here in my journal. Should you be curious, you can read my entries from the last month or so. Should you not be curious, just relax. When I read a book with a lot of characters in it, I never remember their names, but I just let them sweep over me, I know that at some point they will start making sense. Just think about my entries like that.
Oh yeah, and also - my username is not a joke, it's an honest enquiry. Feel free to be of help.
I feel so weird. I've been socializing with people nearly every day/evening in the last three weeks. I've been an introvert who dreamed about being alone since I remember myself. In the last seven days, there were two evenings I spent alone, and on both I would have preferred company. It's like I'm terrified of being alone. But at the same time, I feel happy most of the time, I enjoy music enormously, I laugh, I sing and dance, I feel great physically (apart from the kidney scare that will hopefully be cleared up in a week at the latest), I sleep really good... but not long enough - this strange thing where I wake up too early and cannot go back to sleep is still with me, I've no idea what it is. I've also quite a lot of stuff to share sex-wise, but I've never done this before in this journal, so I'm kind of weirded out by the thought alone XD Still, be warned, this might be coming.
And then there is the war. And so many so very personal stories. And parents of friends. And friends of friends. And just fuckingshitthiswholethingiskillingme.
And then there is Grandma. She's 96. She's rapidly deteriorating. It's been barely possible to talk to her in the last weeks... but it's kind of... worse every day... And I just sit here and wait for my brother to call and tell me that I need to come now. I'm only waiting for the kidney scare to be cleared up before I buy a ticket and go to Germany. Because. You know. I want to hug her before she's gone.
So, I guess, it's no wonder that along with feeling great I feel terrible, and also, being more alive probably should mean that one feels everything stronger - joy as well as sadness. But wow, is this a rollercoaster. My head is spinning. And I'm losing weight. I'm very thin, and losing weight usually means that I'm not well. Yeah... Let's see how it continues, right? I've plans for every night until Monday next week. Well, no, I'm free on Friday. Any takers?
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Date: 2022-03-16 12:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 12:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 12:20 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you are having a hard time..it's understandable with all that going on. I'm an introvert too and it doesn't take much to stress me out.
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Date: 2022-03-16 01:01 pm (UTC)I guess, living in one country, and a pretty big one at that, you just never felt the need to learn any other language.
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Date: 2022-03-22 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 01:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 03:59 pm (UTC)I think of it in my head as "Gremyland", because that gives me a name to keep in mind but keeps any thoughts of real-world countries out of my head. :)
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Date: 2022-03-16 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-03-16 07:30 pm (UTC)I have my fingers crossed for you that you'll be able to give your dear Grandma a good squeeze (hug) as soon as possible ♥
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Date: 2022-03-17 12:07 pm (UTC)There are some changes I think I can explain, they have to do with my body having "woken up" in a way due to regular and very good massages, improved posture and the fact that I started to have contrast showers. But this doesn't really explain why I turned into an extravert or why I am suddenly able to listen to music and not suffer from concerts inside my head at night. There are probably several reasons, which all kind of play together and result in this completely new life - so far.
no subject
Date: 2022-03-21 04:51 am (UTC)