mama

[howsmyenglish]

I'm so sad suddenly. Christmas was my mother's favorite holiday and favorite time of the year. My mother died in 2016, two weeks before she turned 62. So sudden, we didn't have time to realize that she was ill. And I'm looking at some Christmas decorations right now and remembering suddenly that it was her last Christmas, when she said that she was fed up with all the classic decorations, and I went out and got some new stuff and put it on her window... It's on my window now. And I think... I probably wouldn't give that much of a dam about Christmas is she still was alive. Sorry. When my mother was alive I didn't like people writing about death. Sorry if I made you think about something you didn't want to...

I wasn't sure whether to post this or not, but the thing is, I have a tradition: at the end of every year I relive in my mind all that happened to me in that year, it's my way of dealing, reflecting, accepting... And at the end of 2016... there was no way for me to relive that horror, so I tried to relive two years in one go - last year. And... looks like it wasn't enough. It's not an accident that I think and cry about mama now. It's the time of reliving, dealing and accepting. Sorry once again. I had to talk about this openly.

Comments

[indefinable]

♥

[marina]

♥ ♥ ♥

[eller]

♥

[angelofthenorth]

I'm sorry for your loss - my father loved Christmas as well so I sort of understand

[howsmyenglish]

I'm sorry for your loss, too.

[angelofthenorth]

Thank you. It's nearly twenty years, but I still miss him

[howsmyenglish]

of course you do.
my husband's mom died over thirty years ago. he says, the pain never really leaves you.

[aim_of_destiny]

i'm sorry for your loss.

christmases have been... fraught, for me, since my father died, so i empathise extra hard with this post.

i think it's important to remember that mourning is a communal activity. grief isn't meant to be processed in isolation, and talking about our loved ones who have passed away is as necessary as remembering them in private.

[howsmyenglish]

thank you so much.
I'm sorry for your loss, too.

[corvidology]

I'm so sorry for your loss. ♥

It's only natural to think of your loved ones at this time of year and getting it off your chest is the healthy thing to do.

[howsmyenglish]

thank you, petal :)
(I've learned this word from you, never seen it used like this before))

[corvidology]

In the North of England, mostly Yorkshire, they call people "flower" or "chuck" as a term of endearment.

I went to uni with a lot of people from that neck of the woods and it eventually broke down into "petal." :D

[howsmyenglish]

I knew chuck, didn't know flower, though. And I actually googled "petal as a team of endearment" when I've seen you used it. Apparently, it's quite common. Anyhow, I like it, thanks for introducing me to it, I'll be using it, too! :)

[corvidology]

It's fun to hear that it's in common use.

The young (I qualified as such at the time) do have a tendency to assume they were the first to come up with everything. :D

[howsmyenglish]

I know what you mean :D

[smallhobbit]

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. It's understandable you would miss your mother, especially when this was her favourite holiday. I'm glad you felt able to share this, and send you hugs and good wishes.

[howsmyenglish]

Thank you so much. Hugs and good wishes to you too!

[hamletta]

Hugs!!!

[howsmyenglish]

thank you. hugs back!

[jamethiel]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[howsmyenglish]

Thank you!

[yarrowkat]

*hugs*

it is the time of year for remembering the ones we have lost and letting ourselves feel that. not that any time of year is wrong for that, but the deep dark of winter solstice is near the heart of it.

i was thinking the other day about my friend's kid calling her "Mama" rather than "mom" or "mommy" and thinking, i never called my mother "mama," it was always "Mom" or "mother", and still is, and i wondered if there was ever a time i don't remember when we used "mama" and i thought, "i should ask my dad--" and his death, three years ago now, hit me all over again, blam. i will never ask him anything again. it changes the world, a loss like that.

[howsmyenglish]

Yes, it does.
Last Christmas - I was at my brother's place, and the phone ringed, he picked it up, waited a second and said "mama" - no idea why he said that, but I actually believed for a split second that she hadn't died after all and was calling him now to explain...
I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs to you, too!