need break from life
Aug. 21st, 2023 02:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
howsmyenglishPMS is a bitch. I mean... if I could just lie around watching Gravity Falls (could someone make a dozen new seasons, please?) and eating crap all day, I'd love PMS. It would be a great vacation from life, from work, responsibilities, important big thoughts (sarcasm). But when you do have to work and think and be responsible... and talk to people while looking like you know what you're doing and saying... weeeeell... Can I spend the next two hours watching Gravity Falls please? Instead of preparing for a zoom meeting, which I HAVE BEEN DEMANDING FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS? Sigh.
And also, it seems like all I've been doing recently is fighting my demons, and boy, is that exhausting. I wish I could just forget about all that and have a break. But I did decide to apply for the stupid post doc thing and... once again, I make a decision and just have to follow through because I do live according to plan. Plan is to try and get the fellowship. Nothing doing.
New friend N, whom I actually ceased thinking of as friend in the last month or two, is back in my Telegram. We want to buy a new mattress and the old one is still usable, and N knows a lot of war refugees around here, so I had to contact her - to ask whether she knows someone who'd like it. She suddenly responded with lots of exclamation points and "I've missed you"s and "come for a visit, we'll drink and chat"s. And I just looked at it and thought - yeah, sure, you've missed me, and "we'll chat" sounds so believable, considering you never talk, just look at me with those very attentive glances until I believe we're close friends again. I so don't want to do that. I deliberated between saying something evasive, disregarding the invitation altogether, saying "sure, just tell me when" (because until now, she has "invited" me like that a dozen times, but never with a date, time and address). I also thought about saying quite frankly that I don't feel like going down that road again. In the end, I wrote that I'm overwhelmed with life and barely coping right now. Which is true. And, to me, it also says a lot about how I feel about meeting her, but considering how blind she's been towards me in the past, I'm sure she won't even think that anything between us has changed. Sigh again.
I've been thinking a lot in the recent days about how my mom used to tell me that I always am very excited about new people at first and get disappointed to the point that I want nothing to do with them later. I do see the repetition of that pattern in the story with N, but.. even if our relationship could actually grow and become an actual friendship and not a shallow imitation of one, it would be so much work. I am not ready for that. I have enough of my own demons to fight, she can fight hers without me.
And also, it seems like all I've been doing recently is fighting my demons, and boy, is that exhausting. I wish I could just forget about all that and have a break. But I did decide to apply for the stupid post doc thing and... once again, I make a decision and just have to follow through because I do live according to plan. Plan is to try and get the fellowship. Nothing doing.
New friend N, whom I actually ceased thinking of as friend in the last month or two, is back in my Telegram. We want to buy a new mattress and the old one is still usable, and N knows a lot of war refugees around here, so I had to contact her - to ask whether she knows someone who'd like it. She suddenly responded with lots of exclamation points and "I've missed you"s and "come for a visit, we'll drink and chat"s. And I just looked at it and thought - yeah, sure, you've missed me, and "we'll chat" sounds so believable, considering you never talk, just look at me with those very attentive glances until I believe we're close friends again. I so don't want to do that. I deliberated between saying something evasive, disregarding the invitation altogether, saying "sure, just tell me when" (because until now, she has "invited" me like that a dozen times, but never with a date, time and address). I also thought about saying quite frankly that I don't feel like going down that road again. In the end, I wrote that I'm overwhelmed with life and barely coping right now. Which is true. And, to me, it also says a lot about how I feel about meeting her, but considering how blind she's been towards me in the past, I'm sure she won't even think that anything between us has changed. Sigh again.
I've been thinking a lot in the recent days about how my mom used to tell me that I always am very excited about new people at first and get disappointed to the point that I want nothing to do with them later. I do see the repetition of that pattern in the story with N, but.. even if our relationship could actually grow and become an actual friendship and not a shallow imitation of one, it would be so much work. I am not ready for that. I have enough of my own demons to fight, she can fight hers without me.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-21 03:53 pm (UTC)I'm sorry about your friend. I had a friend like that as well, over many years, and it's sometimes hard to see who the people in our life really are. I just want to say it's ok to have emotions over this, and it's good you have such clarity about your own boundaries (because I didn't and on many occasions thought, "I must be misinterpreting something, most people are good, so she has her reasons for acting that way").
Anyway, hope you enjoy Gravity Falls, and remember, hormonal lows won't last forever (yesterday I thought my life was a series of successive failures, and now I'm almost hovering above the floor! *lol*).
no subject
Date: 2023-08-22 10:13 am (UTC)I'm far from thinking "everyone is good", but that doesn't mean I really know what really is happening in her head, in my head or between us. All I know is that I'm hurt and I don't want to deal with that right now. So clarity.. I doubt it :)
And, as usual, I only think about thanking you for your support as an afterthought :( It's not because I'm ungrateful! It's because I think such things are a given, which, of course, in not so :( But I'm always grateful for your support!
no subject
Date: 2023-08-23 07:56 pm (UTC)All I know is that I'm hurt and I don't want to deal with that right now. So clarity.. I doubt it :)
What I meant by "clarity" was that you have a clarity how you want to proceed, so exactly what you wrote in the comment. ^^ I suppose it all boils down to having good and firm boundaries, which, in my experience, is the cornerstone to healthy relationships and generally just navigating crises like this one. I'm sure there will be more clarity about the emotions on both sides at some point, it just takes time.
And, as usual, I only think about thanking you for your support as an afterthought :( It's not because I'm ungrateful! It's because I think such things are a given, which, of course, in not so :( But I'm always grateful for your support!
Don't worry, I wouldn't think that (that you take things for granted)! It's all good. :) But thanks for pointing it out regardless! *hugs* (If wanted!) 💚💚💚
no subject
Date: 2023-08-21 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-22 10:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-23 05:51 am (UTC)Your feelings and skepticism about N's excitement over hearing from you is understandable, given how much she hurt you. *hugs*
I hope you'll be able to rest, as able. ♥
no subject
Date: 2023-08-26 06:41 pm (UTC)It's always hard to know what to do in those kinds of social situations. If it were me, I probably would go with the "sure, just tell me when" because it's low friction and likely nothing will come out of it anyway, so you can maintain a friendly-ish relationship without actually having to do anything in the end. But I like what you did more. What you said is true without making it "a thing." I don't know how it is in your country, to some degree I think this is just a person thing, but it seems really common here that people state that they want honesty but then when the honesty is even a little difficult, like "I don't really want to go down that road again," then it's considered to be, like, "drama," and fodder for gossip and drawing huge conclusions, which of course...makes people not want to be honest and share that kind of thing!