need help

[howsmyenglish]

Dear friends, I'm afraid I haven't been a good friend to you in the last couple of weeks. I've not even checked in to see your updates. But, you know how it is - I went to India and was fully absorbed by it. I promise to write at least one meaningful entry about that trip - in fact, I'm afraid you'll have to bear quite a lot of rumbling, mumbling, excited jumping up and down and whatever else I'll have to share on the subject. And we'll also come back to poetry translation! That was kind of.. taken away from me last year and given back this year! I'm very happy about that. But before I come to my personal news - I really need your help and advice for a friend.

Remember, how I mentioned a friend in the end-of-year-meme, whom I was looking for and couldn't find? I found her! It took a lot of time and ingenuity, but we managed! I'm really happy about that. And so is she. And she needs help.


Here's the thing. First of, I'll probably mix up terms, because I'm not used to talking about this. Please forgive me and let me know if I make mistakes. Thanks! So. This wonderful person was born in a man's body, but she has known herself to be a woman ever since she was a child. Nevertheless, having been born in the early seventies in the USSR, she never found whatever one needs to find to come out of the closet, to tell the world who she really is and to change her life accordingly. She told me, about ten years ago. And when I was looking for her - now - I actually thought it possible that she had undergone treatment and was living a woman's life by now. She hasn't. It turns out, she is far too terrified to lose the people she loves, and this is stopping her from undergoing any changes. She also sometimes says things like "maybe I'm just crazy", but I know she doesn't mean it. I think she has been suffering from depression for quite some years now. She probably still is. She has four children from two marriages. The oldest girl is about 30. Then there are two boys in their 20ies and a teen girl. She also has a sister. She's close with all of them and is terrified at the thought that they will turn away from her. I absolutely get that, but I'm also sure that being people that have known and loved her for so many years they should not be as easy to get rid of as all that. So that's one thing. The other thing is that she never saw a.. doctor? psychiatrist? whom is one supposed to see in such a situation? She's afraid that she's too old to actually take hormones and such, but she is still willing to try. I think that she needs to let her family know - one by one. I think that their support will help her get through everything else. But this is just my personal opinion and hope. I'm in no position to judge.

She lives in Germany. Some years ago she found some local.. idk - trans-help-center? No idea what that place was called. She says.. and I'm quoting from memory now - that she was greeted by an unshaven male-looking person, who was wearing a wig and introduced themselves with a woman's name. I think she was shocked by this, because she is traumatized by her own appearance and immediately thought that this is how the world must be seeing her. As far as I understand, the only help she got in that place was a list of doctors, who were apparently prepared to take on cases like her own, and she even forced herself to call about half of the numbers on that list, but was told in each of the places that she should try somewhere else.

So. We're looking for advice. Where get help? Where to turn to? Whom to talk to? What steps to take? If you have any suggestions, experience - please let us know.

Comments

[thanatos_kalos]

There are some trans and trans-friendly servers on Mastodon that might have advice for her. The world is very trans-unfriendly right now, though. :( She might try following trans authors on Mastodon (bluesky is too open)-- Charlie Jane Anders is a trans writer of sf/fantasy and she's also very nice! :) Trans authors and activists (Charlotte Clymer and Annalee Newitz come to mind) often post meet-ups and contact information for different groups. I don't know of anyone based in Germany, though. Still, even just reading trans people who are out and interesting and trying to help the world might help your friend. :)

[howsmyenglish]

Thanks a lot! We'll google and consider all you mentioned!

About the world being trans-unfriendly: well, comparing to the last 2000 years or so I'd say our chances at getting help are much higher now :P You responded, for one! :)

Hope everything is ok with you, by the way. Have not been following at all, but will catch up soon!

[thanatos_kalos]

<3

[kat_lair]

So a couple of suggestions
- There are LGBTQ+ groups, networks etc around. She could look for one in her area, at her workplace, or even sort of neighbouring cities if that would be easier. She could ask to talk to someone one-to-one for advice but also just to start building supportive networks in the community.
- I don't know what the process in Germany is but there must be information about that online, and experiences from those who have gone through a transition there. People are often willing to share.
- She could try doing small things just for herself that could help her feel more like herself. What those are, only she knows. Could be painting her nails. Could be just having some trusted people call her by her true name.

My colleague/friend C started transitioning in her late 40s. She had surgery last year in her mid 50s. She ended up getting divorce as her wife did not adapt/understand. She lost some family and friends. Others loved her for her who she is. She gained more friends, community. She has a girlfriend now, another trans lady, and they are happy. I met her right at the start of the journey and I know her know and the difference is like night and day, she is her true self and she is radiant and so happy. The point is that it's never too late. Love and courage to your friend.

[howsmyenglish]

Thank you so much, Kat! Your comment was found very helpful and is still being thought about and discussed :)

[kat_lair]

I'm so glad to hear that :) Much love to you both.

[flikkeren]

It's hard to know what advice to give here. Of course there is always the risk that people might not accept her; having worked with several trans people, and having more for friends, the later-in-life transitions are more difficult and in my experience, those are often the cases where people do lose the support of their family and longtime loved ones. I know someone who transitioned around 60 years old and lost most support in their family, and repeatedly told me "I didn't know it would be this hard, if I did I might not have come out." And this was interspersed with "at least I know who I am now" and having gratitude to be living in alignment with that. It's hard to hear because, for people who are accepting, we want people to be authentic and we think "of course your family will still love you," because we would if we were their family. Sad truth is that sometimes people are right to be wary because not everyone is accepting. It is also true that the later in life you transition, the harder it is going to be to "pass," and this seems especially true for transwomen.

Of course there are happy stories as well. I would encourage her to just listen to as many people's stories as possible and find others like yourself who are supportive so that she can start to build that system in case her old one crumbles.